


i dont want to, but i love you

by urcute



Series: davekat + billie eilish songfics [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: (bro why did you raise him like that lmao), (dave), Angst, Crying, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Quadrant Confusion, Songfic, aghh sad :(, billie eilish songfic, dave is so fucking sad!!!, god i want to hug them both, he loves karkat so much and he's really struggling with that fact, i mean it's really lowkey, im gonna write more of these, they're horny teenagers what can you do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 12:17:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18315122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urcute/pseuds/urcute
Summary: You try to keep it cool. You’re not going to cry. You don’t feel your heart beating fast in your chest. You don’t-You don’t feel very cool, at least not right now. Running away from Karkat after he’d just spilled his heart to you didn’t sound very cool at all. Goddamn, you’re a real asshole, aren’t you?





	i dont want to, but i love you

**Author's Note:**

> okay hi it's been like five months or something since i've writen but i've had this very specific idea in my head since this song came out like two days ago and it might read Really Weird but it's important that it's Exactly like this. i cant explain why. it is perfect and i am really proud. in case it's unclear, this is a songfic for i love you by billie eilish. you can listen to it [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiinVuzh4DA/)
> 
> also fucking homestuck in 2019 i know :\ my baby is almost ten 
> 
> anyways
> 
> ==> Be the coolkid

_It's not true_

 

He didn’t.

 

_Tell me I’ve been lied to_

 

He knows you two don’t do that. You aren’t-

 

_Crying isn't like you_

 

He’s in the common room. You can hear him. You’ve never heard someone in quite that much distress. That’s the worst part, maybe.

 

_What the hell did I do?_

 

You can’t believe you _laughed_ at him. You laughed at him like he’d made a joke, not confessed his feelings. God.

 

_Never been the type to_

_Let someone see right through_

 

You know the blood drained from your face when he said it. Your emotional reaction was so instant, he must have read you immediately. You’ve _never_ let that happen before.

 

_Maybe won't you take it back?_

_Say you were tryna make me laugh_

 

You thought he was messing with you for just a moment, but it’s _Karkat_ \- He doesn’t mess around about things like that.

 

_And nothing has to change today_

_You didn’t mean to say "I love you"_

 

God, he was serious. You’ve never seen someone so serious before. It looked like he’d been working up the nerve for a while. You feel bad for crushing him like you did.

 

What was supposed to happen now? You wouldn’t be able to live with hurting him but you know you already have. Plus, you have quite a while left on this miserable rock. You think you’d rather not spend it without him. You two are so close now, even imagining this shit without your friendship is unbearable.

 

_I love you, and I don't want to_

 

You try to keep it cool. You’re not going to cry. You don’t feel your heart beating fast in your chest. You don’t-

 

You don’t feel very cool, at least not right now. Running away from Karkat after he’d just spilled his heart to you didn’t sound very cool at all. Goddamn, you’re a real asshole, aren’t you?

 

You’re not gay, you can safely say that. You don’t know why, but you know that. That’s a constant in your life- Girls. Jade, right? And Roxy’s pretty, before she was, like, your mom. Yikes. And Terezi, you liked her for a while. Yeah.

 

Who are you kidding?

 

So maybe it’s just Karkat. But, fuck, you instantly imagine Bro and just how _disappointed_ he’d be. You? And another boy? He would kick your ass over it. He’d hate you, wouldn’t he?

 

You’re not really sure why you’re living for a dead guy.

 

Karkat just had to go and say the one thing you didn’t want to hear. _“I love-” Stop that, man._ Replaying it in your head won’t do much good, will it? But one more time can’t hurt.

 

Karkat was leaned against your side, your arm around his shoulder. This wasn’t super unusual. You two found yourselves like this, more evenings than not. The movie was almost over. He tilted his chin up, his horn knocking against your glasses.

 

_Up all night on another red-eye_

_Wish we never learned to fly_

 

You look down at him, smiling a bit. “Hey there,” You mumble, sliding your arm down around his waist. You kind of want to kiss him like you did a few nights ago. You liked how he melted in your arms when you wrapped them around his back, his hands on your face. You liked how he’d moved just right like he knew what he was doing and-

 

You didn’t need to think about that right now.

 

“Can I tell you something?” He’d asked, running his fingers through your hair. You nodded, pausing the movie.

 

“I, uh.” Karkat turns to face you more directly. He adjusts his sleeves over his hands. “I think I finally get what you guys were talking about, about human feelings. I feel so shitty about how me, of all people, can’t fucking figure out his own quadrants, but, like, at the same time I really think I know what I want now? And although all of this stuff that’s been going on could just be so completely _pale_ , my fucked up thinkpan wants it to be _s_ omething else? And it’s not red, no matter how badly I’ve wanted it to just fit in that box. I mean, like, I want some aspects of it. Like, you know.” He paused. “The… Concupiscent... Part. And I’m fairly sure you’re reciprocating in that regard if some of the stuff we’ve been doing recently is anything to go by. And although you’re absolutely insufferable, I, uh. I think- No, I do. I love you. Human love you, if that makes it make sense.”

 

You aren’t gay.

 

“I’m not gay,” You try to laugh it off.

 

_Maybe we should just try_

_To tell ourselves a good lie_

_I didn't mean to make you cry_

_The smile that you gave me_

_Even when you felt like dying_

 

His expression was a strange mix of hurt and confusion, before deciding on a little smile. It looked so, so fake. “It’s okay. I, uh. Expected that.” He said, his voice breaking. You felt your heart break a little, too. He sniffles.

 

“I- Fuck, man, I can’t. Christ, you just-”

 

You get off the couch.

 

“Don’t do that to your homie, man. Jesus.”

 

You leave the common room and head for your block. You slam the door. God, what a wreck.

 

And here you are, listening to him cry from your bed, worrying your lip between your teeth. What the hell was that supposed to be?

 

_We fall apart as it gets dark_

_I'm in your arms in Central Park_

 

You have nothing to prove to anybody. Anyone who would care is dead.

 

You think of what could have been if you’d just said it back, like a normal fucking person.

 

The light from the TV fades to black. There’s nothing in the room but you and him now, and the empty air around you. You’d pull him to your chest. He’d exhale against you, and you think you’d kiss the top of his head. He’d soften, his arms around your shoulders.

 

_There's nothing you could do or say_

_I can’t escape the way, I love you_

_I don’t want to, but I love you_

 

You whisper, to no one, testing out the words on your tongue.

“I love you, too,”

**Author's Note:**

> haha get FUCKED you just read homestuck fic in 2019 
> 
> no but really im in hell who wants to make a 2378552 comment long thread about being depressed over a dead comic
> 
> if you're reading this i love you thank you for getting to the end expect more fics of this nature if you want also maybe a follow up so they arent sad anymore lmk
> 
> im depressed that davekat will never do as well as my old bnha fics :(
> 
> anyways hi i love requests please leave them


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